[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
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78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
So we got a goldfish…
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants