Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hope my company doesn’t😂😂

spider: sup

me: omg stay away

spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider

me: there’s good spiders?

spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you

Kentucky names the shit out of places

80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.

my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid

Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time

No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.

Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”

Them: be yourself

Me: do you have any better advice

I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.

Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*

How did the person who invented the spelling of “banana” decide when to stop?

[meeting GF’s mom]

Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?

I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.

8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”

HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over

ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over

Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.

[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road

Adding “but that’s just me” after giving the absolute worst dogshit advice to a coworker

Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot

I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.

I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.

Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !

Good parenting 101

ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—

FAMILY: We have a JET?!

ME: I meant—

FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?

ME:

FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?

ME: Yes, that is definitely the case

The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol

REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person

My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars

I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand

Throwing a Don’t Kill Yourself Dinner Party where everyone brings a dish so delicious that we remember why life is worth living