[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
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Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
me: my daughter wants to be a princess, and my son wants to be a bank robber
coworker: what adorable costumes!
me: costumes?
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
When I go out on a Friday night, I choose my outfit based on what would look best in my mugshot
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
just make the entire table out of coaster
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.