Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun

zookeeper: your what

posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.

FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME

[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?

ㅤ

Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind

I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move

My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.

Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.

Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.

Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.

Black Friday through the years:

2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July

Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.

*hangs up*

Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-

[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that

My son came out as gay recently, I told him that it is all OK (of course) and that I always knew. Truth is I didn’t have a fucking clue. I thought the other one was gay, and he’s now had three kids with three women. I’m the owner of the world’s least accurate Gaydar.

Men love me.
Germs fear me.

Or vice versa, whatever

Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.

*sprains wrist doing sports

“MY NACHO HAND!”

just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot

[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]

Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?

The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands

My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back

I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for

We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.

Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.

*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath*

*heads toward buffet*

My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage

Jesus: I can turn water into wine.

Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]

omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business

For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.