Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.

Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?

Sorry I just read your text from 12 years ago. Are you guys still at Blockbuster?

If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.

I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.

*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*

My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.

My nephew: Ok i’ll try.

Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf

“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games

“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”

-let me see your phone real quick

“You’re smothering me. I need some space”

When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.

We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.

Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now

I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.

WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]

first wiseman: i brought you gold

second wiseman: i brought you frankincense

third wiseman: i brought you myrrh

fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself

mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down

My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.

*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs

once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them

I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.

sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”

[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”

‘What’s that smell?’

‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’

‘This is your car’

Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.

ok this is my dumbest yet

20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party

40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party

[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct

I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.

I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.

Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol

Bodyguard Idea:

Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.

So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.

Apparently.