[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
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Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
The Birdles
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.