[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
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My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
No, your message in a bottle does not find me well, it finds me drowning
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
That moment when you google a recipe hoping for a list of ingredients and a method, only to find eight pages of guff which begins “I was five when I first realised I had a fear of envelopes…”
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
People buying plungers never look happy.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
Sorry I was late I was frantically applying to other jobs