[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
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If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
I visited one of those so-called “wind farms” recently. Virtually no wind being produced. If anything, it was using up the wind that was already there. Complete waste of time.
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants