[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
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The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
Asking people “is it a chapter book?” When they tell me what they’re reading
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
The pediatrician: What do you eat at your house?
My 5yo: MOSTLY NACHOS
Me: I mean, that’s not ALL we eat, hon.
5yo: YOU ARE RIGHT. WE ALSO EAT COSTCO PIZZA
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
My neighbours say I should travel more, and further away, for longer
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
#Thanos #MondayMood
