[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
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[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
If you like pointing out beautiful scenery to three people who are on their phones, a family road trip is for you!
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
Becoming a dad turned me into an environmentalist. All I do now is turn off lights and yell at people who waste energy.
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
This is hilarious
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
You brake checked me? My baby is car-seatless rolling around the floor like a water bottle, and you brake check me?