Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.

Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*

Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj

Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!

Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people

I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars

I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit

ME: What’s the capital of Germany?

SON: G

ME: So college is a no then?!

Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*

Pet hermit crab: no wait go back

Announcer: welcome to house hunters

Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?

I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.

I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.

Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.

“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”

can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets

“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*

INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes

BOSS: what should we call it

GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea

mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice

Kids are like magicians cause they make all the cups and chargers disappear.

The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.

First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge

Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?

Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters

I have a midnight snack in the middle of my day, which tells you more than you need to know about my sleep schedule.

So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9

“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”

“I meant questions about your root canal.”

“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”

I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”

Actually, I do.

Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal

[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain

Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.

Or a piece of work. Something like that.

Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!