Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.

If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.

*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger

[first date]

her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?

me : at our daughter’s piano recital

Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus

NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped

When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜

Laverne, at age 11, has learned that she can nip people to get their attention. It’s cool that she can still learn new things but why are these things never “being nice”

My two-year olds have reached the age where they can remember when I’ve told them that we’ll do something “later” and I don’t want to overstate it but I’m pretty sure this is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.

Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.

My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.

There was a frozen piece of salmon at the bottom of my fridge I tried to cook after seasoning but I’m realizing this is a mango

this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray

“What are you going to wear today?”

Sunscreen and the weight of everyone else’s expectations.

[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.

[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]

Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.

me: dating is hard

me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid

I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.

Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.

I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication

Cellmate: What are you in for?

Me: The free food and healthcare

God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE

[at a job fair]

Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?

I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.

My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.

Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.

Answers phone breathlessly

Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…

I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!

Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.

[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.

My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”

My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!