Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.

*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out

“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.

“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”

“Really “?

“No”

[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]

Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?

Me: yeah

Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.

My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.

I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help

Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.

One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.

There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.

A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.

I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.

Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils

I hate elevators, they give me vertigo

I take many steps to avoid them

I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people

[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder

[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard

DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building

I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.

I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.

I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.

My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️

I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.

Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.

So I’m still broke, but now also in French.

I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again

Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread

Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit

“pew, pew, pew!”

-me, pointing out seating options in a church

If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.

Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking

The massive row between me and my wife at her cousin’s wedding was actually staged because I needed to leave early for a work thing, and she wanted to get back at her cousin for getting engaged at our wedding.