Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.

Wife: why are you smiling?

[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]

Me: I was thinking about you.

Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆

Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that

‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’

I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.

Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.

*flirting poorly at the grocery store*

me: so do you eat food often?

Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.

SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.

Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.

I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.

Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.

I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.

her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job

I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings

(The most unconvinced I have ever been in my life) that makes sense

Me: how much for the seal Dracula

Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus

Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.

Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?

Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?

Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.

Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”

My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.

You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…

if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England

I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.

It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.

I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.

Britches love stitches.

Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.

If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”