Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.

Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:

Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.

-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.

-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.

Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.

her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away

me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen

So sick of all these stupid rules

My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.

For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.

My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack

[First date]

DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.

ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.

DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?

ME: It’s not my arm.

Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.

*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*

Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.

Who else does this 🤦🏽😂

Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!

The dude that invented diarrhea was a real jerk, in my opinion.

You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.

[home alone]

murderer: [creeping up behind me]

me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!

murderer: [pauses] what kind?

friend: why did you take up running?

me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason

Olympics, but with real life skills like who can build the tallest pile of trash on top of the can to avoid taking it out

ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit

SON: it’s called homework

Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL

Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?

I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason

Not today, today.
Not today.

The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”

….I’ll see myself out….

Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money

Manager: Is this true

Waiter: I just gave him the check

Text: How come you stopped drinking?

Me: Because I kept waking up with you.

Her: I hate you.

[a mass poisoning of football players]

detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade

detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo