Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5 Stages of Pregnancy:

1: Crying

2: Peeing

3: Crying because you peed

4: Peeing because you’re crying

5: The toilet is your home now

My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?

Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*

don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die

The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.

*spends ages choosing a ring tone.

*puts phone on silent

Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list

My son just lectured his brother because he couldn’t find his phone like I didn’t just find his glasses in 2 minutes after he claimed they were lost forever.

I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.

Stop talking trash about marine life!

Sharks are POWERFUL

Whales are GENTLE

Crabs are RESOURCEFUL

Jellyfish are PEACEFUL

Dolphins

Octopi are VERY SMART

*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after

Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.

My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.

Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook

Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.

Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s

houseguest: is this a pull out couch

me: no we kind of just hope for the best

Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.

[Job interview]

Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?

Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.

Executive: You’re hired.

Me: I’ll start in a week.

Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way

Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.

Anyway he’s dead now.

*gives date flowers*

Here. I murdered these plants for you.

God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot

Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.

MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead

ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE

Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.

him: you’re not like other girls

me, at the urinal next to him: how

Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.

I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.

I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker