Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.

How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?

Chinese military tactics are pure genius.

WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes

I bought a portable Panini maker so I could heat up my underwear as I’m driving

if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie

WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!

Moving tip: don’t learn how to read

I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.

if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you

For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.

My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.

Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”

When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.

Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.

how much would they have to pay you to be the model for this article

COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on

Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…

Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back

Hyena: what’s my name again?

God: hyena.

Hyena: hi.

God: hi.

Hyena: i’m Ena : )

God: that-that’s not your name.

Hyena: oh. what is it?

God: hyena.

Hyena:

God:

Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )

It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.

The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the room

Me to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT

Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.

Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?

I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.

On the face of it alcohol is so funny – you can take a potion that makes you so good at driving the government has to make it illegal

Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING

Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats

“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”

HER: I’m a gun enthusiast

ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets

Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit

Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit