*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
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My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.