*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
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Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
This is a bad sign
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
Sign at work today
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
I have been told to stop stealing muffins from the bakery. Unfortunately, it’s the only way to keep my lucrative muffin stand in business. Everyone is fine with this.
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.