Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
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Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
Mistakes were made
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
When he asks for feet pics
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
A Match(.com), but for socks.
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?