Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
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This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
A new survey shows that most Canadians want homes and pets rather than marriage and kids. Especially people who are already married with kids.
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
Engagement photo shoots are so funny as a concept. Like girl, we believed you
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
A very blasé attitude by the stoic root vegetable in the face of its imminent death…
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?