Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door

Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.

Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.

“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want

coworker: you should try my therapist.

me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.

Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.

Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?

Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho

When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!

You learn something every day

I’d use my best pan on you.

employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad

I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.

Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat

SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock

ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn

I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.

There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo

Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.

Step 2: Print a 3D printer.

Step 3: Return the 3D printer.

[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?

ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met

WIFE: It was amazing

ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan

if someone would only design a type of headwear with some sort of built-in device to block the sun they’d probably make a fortune

I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.

I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.

people keep asking my pregnant ass what my cravings are. when you ask me that question my craving becomes a gun and a double shot of whiskey

I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.

Just a small bowl of cereal to take the edge off.

*grabs mixing bowl*

Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.

Why do parents bust into your room like they are trying to see you cheating on them with another pair of parents or something 😭😂

One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.

[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.

Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.

Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.

[wonka factory in 2018]

Charlie: augustus is drowning

Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all

I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”