Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?

Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.

So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?

Legend 🤣🤣

me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth

Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.

When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.

[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath

Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.

i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot

Day 4. They suspect nothing.

🏙👨🏼

Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s

If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories

My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.

I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?

when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.

Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.

With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.

Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.

*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one

me: why can’t I crack this egg open

wife: because it’s a lemon

me: first my car and now this

That time I was late for work and the boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed to call people that any more.”

Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay

Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”

The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.

Lol.

Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.

It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”

That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.

I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same

Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.

But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.