*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
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Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
That was easy.
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
A double negative is a big no-no.
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.