*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*

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When a guy wearing shorts and sandals to a bar is picking out songs on the jukebox, it’s going to end badly for everyone.


If I refer to you as ugly, I always mean on the inside, you piece of shit.


*leaves church*

*sees McChicken video*

*goes back to church*


HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.


[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*


Told my girlfriend she should scream out ‘my god you’re huge’!! at her gynaecologist appointment to freak out the others in the waiting room


HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.


I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.


The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.

No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickers

And the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too