Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.

There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.

I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.

Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.

Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.

“what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” oh it’s ok you can just kill me next time

say cheese: the new iphone will have a built-in camera

Them: Are you Jewish?

Me: Yup.

Them: And you’re from Toronto?

Me: Yup.

Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.

Me: Not every Jew knows each other.

Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?

Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.

😂

I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.

dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit

My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.

(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)

Kid: You’re not a Dr!

Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?

Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.

scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”

The only time I’ll care about Basketball:

Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.

im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.

Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like “that explains it”.

I’m not sure what the record is for hotdog eating contests, but the record for tofu dog eating is less than one.

a friend of mine dresses like Adam sandler but sometimes she’ll swap the oversized tee for a tiny top and she calls it the madam sandler

ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter

I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.

[documentary on bees]

“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”

I only treason on days ending in y

If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.

I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.

My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.

I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.

Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy