Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.

I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.

Me: * tastes dog treats*

Stalker: frickin weirdo

According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later

“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.

[1st date]

HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season

ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees

I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.

Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.

Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep

Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working

I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.

I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.

4: mommy? *takes bite*

Me: yes, love?

4: *chewing* I’m hungry.

Me: …I have good news

Table for six please?

“Is your party coming soon or?”

[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats

My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.

Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship

can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.

“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed

[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it

Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.

*moves to Fiji*

[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex

1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.

Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.

Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.

Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye

I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me

I was going to pour a glass of wine tonight but then I scrolled here and think you guys might need it more than me.

shop assistant: can i help you find something?

me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences

shop assistant:

me: or laundry detergent

Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.

5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.

I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?

ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or