Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fries, not lies.

My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.

boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car

INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?

ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.

INTERVIEWER: What?

ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.

I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.

If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.

Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?

My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”

I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts

I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.

“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows

Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]

Mortician: we’re gonna need that back

*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.

This cashier is a moron

-Me at self checkout

Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.

I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.

Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?

Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit

I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.

*knocks on neighbor’s door*

May I borrow a cup of sleep?

Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.

My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…

I have never related to anyone more.

Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead

At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.

Life hack:

Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.

I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”

If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.

My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.