Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE

“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.

Schools be like ok it’s the last week and a world fair so bring a dish from a country you’ve never heard of to feed 75 people at 745 am.

Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”

Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*

[doctor looking at my xrays]

doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of

me: what

doctor: skeletons

The fact that we don’t hear the words “free quote” and burst into laughter always amazes me. You aren’t going to charge me to tell me what you’ll charge me? Calm down, Karl Marx.

Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you

You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!

never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes

You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”

Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.

It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.

My teen is about to do some work experience set up by her 6th form college. The idea is to match students with jobs that reflect their skills/interests. My girl is deep into the arts – she loves music, art, photography, making stuff.

Her allocated job? Gravestone maintenance

“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters

God: you’re a jellyfish.

Jellyfish: nice.

God: you have no bones.

Jellyfish: ok.

God: and no brain.

Jellyfish: oh.

God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.

Jellyfish:

God: you’re H2OhNo lol.

[trampoline park]

me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*

Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit

At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”

This could have been an email.

— me, while attending a wedding ceremony

8: What’s this music?

Me: The Ramones, do you like it?

8: No, it sounds too easy to do.

Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?

“SOMEONE IS VAPING”

911: Stay calm, were tracing it

“HURRY”

911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE

“OMG”

911: GET OUT GET OUT

Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-

[loud crunch noise in back of room]

Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors

I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves

Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING

Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?

There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.

Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon

when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market

Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.

Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.

Fight 🔥 with 🔥

I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.