[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
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My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
Ninety-five percent of my new follows are beautiful Russian women, which tells me one thing. I’ve still got it!
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
January has been Januweary
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
They should have a section on the wing of the plane where people can go out for a cigarette