[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
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My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
My hypnotist is not a quack. I have never googled my hypnotist. My hypnotist has not stolen from me.
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries