[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
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Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
😜
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
have we given a name to earth’s mini moon? may i suggest moon deng
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
I just want the confidence of my teen who replied “Who’s this?” to a guy who texted her after ghosting her for a month.
and this one
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so