[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
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I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
Me: [touching grass]
Grass: ok first of all, no.
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
congratulations to them
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers