[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
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5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
What a kind woman! 😂😂
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
Most people in your life will come and go but occasionally you’ll meet someone really special who makes you contemplate murder.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!