[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
You Might Also Like
Three pints is nice. Three pints is when you can talk a little too enthusiastically about Coyote Ugly but there’s no real risk of attempting to do a Coyote Ugly yet.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
When you promised to deliver the project in two weeks but didn’t mention which year
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
“Whistle while you work”
~The boogers in my nose
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.