sitting eating at a picnic table in a park that shares a fence with the middle school yard and this lady comes out says “shouldn’t you be in class?” and i’m confused and just freeze and she goes “come on. to the office”
and i just go “…. i’m 20…” and she went RED😭😭😭
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My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
Thursday Thought.
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be