sitting eating at a picnic table in a park that shares a fence with the middle school yard and this lady comes out says “shouldn’t you be in class?” and i’m confused and just freeze and she goes “come on. to the office”
and i just go “…. i’m 20…” and she went RED😭😭😭
Raisins are grape jerky.
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
⛄️
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
Roses are red
Violets are blue
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
