Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
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I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
A food delivery system that only delivers food containing potatoes.
Tuber Eats.
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
tweeting shouldn’t cost money but it should flip you on your back like a bug for 15 minutes
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
There’s been a lot of false alarms at the coal mine today. Maybe we should get a canary instead of a possum
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
iPhone X
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I just need money.
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*