Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]

What if you could just pretend to eat?

It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.

fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”

I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.

Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.

I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️

[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassing

Me: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names

Wife: It’s Amy

Me: Yes I know that now, Amy

I’ve been threatened several times, shot at once, and had a gun pulled on me 3 times, and yet I’ve never been intimidated by anyone except this damn toddler

Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?

Me: Drunk!

My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half

My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..

Her: I <3 you.

Me: I… I sideways balls you too.

Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…

[a melon-choly exchange]

Honeydew you love me? Let’s run away & get married

Cantaloupe. My parents would kill me

*annnnd, scene*

WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough

I try not to let avocados go bad anymore cause last time I let an avocado go bad, it stole my car and robbed a bank

[In Bar]

Friend: Your fly is down

Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce

*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*

Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.

Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.

Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.

Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.

Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?

Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?

If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?

DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.

Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.

You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.

I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.

Affordable healthcare, bb!

Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee

Toddler: What’s for dinner?

Me: Fish cakes.

Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!

Me:

Me:

Me:

Me: ……. Sure.