Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
You Might Also Like
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
My daughter just asked me if you can pick up a baby by the scruff of its neck and I guess I won’t ever be a grandmother. Not for long, anyway.
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
Men: Masters of multitasking – can watch sports, ignore laundry, and forget your birthday, all at once.
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine