Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
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BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
Me at my 225th rodeo:
“What the hell is going on?”
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him