Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.

Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now

Bear attacking me: [bear noises]

Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.

Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?

What should we call this portable computer?

SOME GUY: Laptop

[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]

i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”

I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!

You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.

told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life

These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them

Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.

Life in your 40’s:

Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!

Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.

my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”

Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge

Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said

Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.

Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true

I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.

‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…

…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.

*looking up at the stars*

Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?

Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?

Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.

Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”

Until I was a young I adult, I thought that a general anaesthetic was one that was used all over the country. And a local one was one that was just used where I lived

I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.

Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”

*Explains in great detail on how it works*

“So do I need a computer for it?”

“I JUST…how’s your cat?”

Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.

as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator

You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping

*My wife being frustrated by my kids*

Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?

8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?