Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?

My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.

Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside

My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.

There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.

DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.

ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?

DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.

ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*

Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?

Me: Rock climbing.

PT:

Me:

PT:

Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.

Chasing my dream

Dream: I have a girlfriend

Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?

One time in summer camp I asked the rabbi if it was kosher to eat ham flavored chips if they didn’t actually have any ham in the ingredients and that’s the kind of question that takes up 80% of the Talmud and it ends with two elderly throwing hands over it

Me: I can’t think of any life goals

Wife: God could you be any lazier?

Me: ooh good one

“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.

me: dating is hard

me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence

[hospital]

“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”

WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS

DAD: I’M UP

In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.

There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.

They say the camera adds 10 lbs.

Looks like fast food added the other 40.

Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”

Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever

[3 hrs later]

9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?

I am laughing way too hard at this.

7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?

Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are

7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!

Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.

This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.

Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor

Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.

If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.

I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.

“stand up for yourself” girl i have low iron

so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning

i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”