Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.

My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you

Who wants to be my Valentine?

I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight

💀💀💀💀

My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.

Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time

Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.

Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka

Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.

I onder hich one.

What did parents do before smart phones, hold their babies with two hands or something?

*shows buyers around my home*

This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really

When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”

[first day working in a restaurant]

me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*

cat: *reads sign*

me: oh no

Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.

-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?

Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’

-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.

If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.

ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please

I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone

Review of the Solar System

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”

Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.

“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”

*Door slams

– Jehova’s Witnesses

wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go

“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”

Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!

“I go by Barold now”

If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”

best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us

me: I can do it

best friend: thanks man!

[after the wedding]

best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time

me: actually it’s a recorder

He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.

It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy

I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.

*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?

*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*

I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —

Murderer: