Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
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Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
Who’s ready for Friday?!
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
I don’t care how you season it, ham radios definitely taste more like radio than they do ham
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
Emojis are fun for when you want to express emotions using disembodied heads.
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
I suggest to my kid that she could leave her purse at home as she goes to spend the weekend at her grandparents house.
“No, my money is in it.”
“What could you possibly need money for at Grammy’s house?”
“In case I need to make a bet”
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.