Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
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Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
i like to flex on them by shrugging
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
my coworker threw a paper airplane at me and i was like “on today of all days 😟?” and she looked at me like this
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
<••• accidentally splashes pickle juice in my eyes…
“Ow! I’m brined!”
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
Why are there no bring your friend to work days so that they can see you have a serious job and do serious things for a living
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update