[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
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imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?