[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
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imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
An expiration date should be called a spoiler alert.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
Nativity season is upon us! My son has been cast as a wise man. My daughter, on the otherhand –
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
😂🖐️
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
fired
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
what?
