Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting

I know this now

Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.

someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling

[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring

What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.

Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.

“Dress for the job you want”, they say. Well, I always wanted to be a professional boxer, and now I can’t open this packet of crisps, so thanks a bunch for that.

My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.

“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.

love tennis but never really been clear why they need a lifeguard

The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.

Years ago, my mate had his car broken into. Luckily they didn’t steal it and also didn’t take any of his CD’s. He has appalling taste in music and we told everyone they left him some CD’s out of pity..

my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?

me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world

my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*

Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”

The real reason evolution started..😂

Truly one of the great bangers

Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.

I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.

My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.

(Invention of the necktie)

I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.

Ladies, if he’s never gonna:

-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt you

He’s not your man, he’s tacos

If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.

[10:06pm]

13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.

Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.

13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.

😂

There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.

“how’d your football team football today?”

those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’

Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.

me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby