National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
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I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
🤣🤣🤣
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
Hilarious if literal: arms race
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad