sitting in front of a man and woman on the train who have hit it off and lord, this is better than drugs
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Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
A woman drives into a bar.
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
I went to a job interview, and it didn’t go well.
How was I supposed to know HTML doesn’t mean how to make lasagna?
I mean, I don’t know how to make lasagna either, but they didn’t know that.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.