sitting in front of a man and woman on the train who have hit it off and lord, this is better than drugs
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you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
Roses are red, you always mattered,
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
Please be delicate with me I’m built like a Nature Valley bar
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
My kid just told me I look so young from this angle. The angle being the back of my head.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
Drive it like you stole it, by driving cautiously and observing all applicable traffic laws to avoid further incidents so as to not attract unwanted scrutiny.
I need a hobby so I think I’m
gonna start calling the phone numbers on missing cat posters and just “meow” at whoever answers
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.