Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.

*Both show rock

Again!

*Both show rock

Again!

*Both show rock

Again!

Caveman: This game is stupid.

“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.

[giving cops my statement after my house was robbed by the breakdancing burglar] no music but he was still hittin that shit

Got kicked out of Scale Model Club for suggesting we change our name to the Itty Bitty City Committee.

I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.

“How do you do, fellow birds?”

My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.

We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10

ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a

I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.

I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.

Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful

Me: Flies away

A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.

I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.

Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.

God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.

Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?

Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper

Bread, a tale of tears

I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.

Incredibly it tasted amazing

You got this…

we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone

If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!

Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.

“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.

living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated

Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.

What’s a retweet called now?

I vote Xerox.

Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*

*speed dating

So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.

Child Me: Dad, can I (do a truly stupid thing)

My Dad: No!

Child Me: Whatever, Dad! I hope I’m not that lame when I grow up

Years Later

My Kid: Dad, can I (do the exact same stupid thing)

My Brain: prepare to become “that lame”

Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*

Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.