Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.

Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.

[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha

[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”

[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”

MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.

“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”

Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?

Shout out to sidewalks.

Thanks for keeping me off the streets.

I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.

[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]

GIRL: I wanna marry you

BOY 1: 😲

BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet

I just invented the world’s fastest escalator.

I call it the “escanow.”

I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water

what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????

Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table

Murderer: ok thanks

[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]

waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews

Just grow your own

One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.

I am not a people person. I am a person person. One (1) of you mfers at a time and even that is pushing it.

Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?

I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening

her: i’m leaving you
 
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
 
him: who ar- wait what

everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David

I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.

If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!

My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”

The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING

*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*

PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.

Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?

Nobody:

Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”