Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
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mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
My 6yo lost his first tooth today and wants to know when the dentist is coming.
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
That’s “Mr. Human Scum” to you, buddy.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
Hm.
No kidding?
HUH.
Really?
Wow, I did not know that.– me, reading my daughter’s Driver’s Ed textbook
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
I feel like one of these would kill a European
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
An AI comedian? The jokes write themselves.
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult