Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
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A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
Thank you 🥹
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.