Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.

Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.

Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York

[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”

Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….

The thief is spending less
than my wife did.

ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.

Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?

A2: I do.

A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.

A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?

A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”

Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.

You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.

My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”

Me: “Why?”

Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”

ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth

yeah i’m a bit of a rebel

Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.

Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks

Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history

Wake me when AI does housework

Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:

Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by all

Me:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes

Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up

You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.

Scrolls Twitter

*throws phone in holy water

[first date]

HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?

ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?

Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.

Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?

I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.

The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner

My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.

We are 47 years old.

To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.

Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.

If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.

You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.