Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.

[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”

The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.

I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.

Same kid, same.

There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.

You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.

“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”

‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’

[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no

If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid

Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”

Me: “No, there are explanations.”

ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you

ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator

A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice

Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.

ㅤ

“I never trust anything from the government!”

*uses highways

My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.

Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.

Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.

Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will

Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.

Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.

Me: You recognize this man?

*slides photo*

Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.

Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.

is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?

-first day at work, orientation question

Me: wow

Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest

Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.

School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –

I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.

[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*

I’m sorry but every time I see the words “Lord Pickles” I think they’re talking about a very fancy cat.

I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.

“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”

ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing

I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good

*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*