Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
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We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
nobody sighs louder than an unemployed, debt-free dog who spends at least 16 hours a day sleeping
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
Everyone younger than me is an idiot. Everyone older than me has lost their mind.
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
An ice cream truck has rolled past my house three times and it’s honestly starting to feel like profiling
The rainbow lorikeets outside my office explained that purchasing fancy new binoculars today to see birds better was probably unnecessary.
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?