Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.

I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.

Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first

[Observation Ward]

Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-

Doctor 1: Take his phone

Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago

Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?

ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again

[text message]

Coworker: Can I call you quick?

Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me

Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?

Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.

Me: I’m flying United today.

Him: Don’t forget your helmet.

I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.

I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.

i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making

Billy Joel: We didn’t start the fire…
Smoky the Bear: No. Of course not. Nobody ever does. *rolls eyes*

Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile

“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows

[Creation]

God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!

Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?

G: *throws a rock*

A: Sick shot!

G: Next time, apes

Wikigenius

Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”

When I tell my husband I have to go to the bathroom, he’s all like, I don’t need to know that, but bring home a new pet and he’s suddenly like, we need to work on your communication skills

Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.

Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning

Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-

*saxophone solo*

INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.

Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector

Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?

I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.

I’m like an Almostradamus.

Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.

You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.

Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.

Children: Wait what?

Me: What?

One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.

Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die