Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lmao 😁

Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight

Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.

teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees

class: OOOOH

[opens hawk cage]

class: AAAHHH

[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES

barber: your hair is so dry

pavlov: i forgot to condition it

I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”

When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.

Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.

Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief

We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.

“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.

Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.

shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo

idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]

My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.

I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…

Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists

4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.

I got bills

They’re multiplying

COP: do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no

Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.

We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.

Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.

Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”

*2 weeks later

[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”

Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“

There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.

I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.

My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.

Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*

Me: What was that all about?

Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.

Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…

Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.