*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
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[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.