Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy

Just how popey was the pope today?

Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?

Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?

Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,

I don’t understand.

I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?

Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.

DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!

ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!

FAMINE: What did you expect?

ME: lol

WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!

ME: you want a sugar cube?

FAMINE:… Yes

My son didn’t want to get up for school today, so I promised him that if he got up and went to school today, I wouldn’t make him go tomorrow.

We were about halfway to the bus stop when he realized that it’s Friday.

Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?

Me: They’re for my meeting at work.

Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?

Me: And?

Took my kid to the ER recently and just got two bills…one for the ER and one for the doctor we saw at the ER. Sorry, I didn’t realize there was an option to just go to the ER without seeing a doctor and just hang out.

For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”

Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.

They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle

Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.

I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.

How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.

Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.

get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind

My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.

“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.

I have the impulse control of a random number generator.

My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.

Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.

poor people: innuendo

rich people: hoteluendo

“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”

My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills

Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?

I really had high hopes for this year though

こいつ天才

Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?

Me: I LOVE STAR WARS

BF: which was your fav

Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone

Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.