Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.

“I love this song!”

“This is my favorite song!”

“I love this song!”

“No, THIS is my favorite song!”

~ Me, listening to my own playlist

Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.

I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.

SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.

ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait

It’s generally a good idea to start punching and throwing elbows immediately upon waking up because there may be enemies nearby

Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.

Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pasta

He’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove

“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game

A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.

At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.

My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.

I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.

There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .

In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.

You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.

[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.

Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL

Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant

it’s dangerous to go alone, take this

Brushing my daughter’s hair

Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.

I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters

Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?

Store mannequin:

Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.

Me: just tell her to use the force lol.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?

Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.

My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”

*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*

LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…

( -_-)>⌐■-■

(⌐■_■)

Tell your friends”

8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?

Me: I just did 438 sit ups.

8: sounds legit.

I’ve taught her well.

funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one

Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams

Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.