Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect

HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!

HEATHER: You wanna bet?

[breakfast table]

Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either

God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.

Light: Let there be light what?

God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.

It must be hard for a vampire to floss their fangs when they can’t see their reflection in a mirror.

*Love in the time of coronavirus*

Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?

me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY

me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying

you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.

Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.

Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing

[ first day of engineer school ]

teacher: and what don’t we call them

me: choo choos

teacher: [nodding] choo choos

I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain

Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.

It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.

[Throwing change in a well]

Me: I wish you well.

Well: I already am a well.

I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”

I’m going to start walking around in my yard all day in a bathrobe so my neighbors will build that privacy fence I always wanted.

My guide to NyQuil:

Name brand red: no horse in your head

Store brand green: a horse will be seen

My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.

I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.

I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”

I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.

There is no moral to this story.

After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.

In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.

*gets on 1 knee*

Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?

Her: Please get off my knee

The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans

My opinion of the American education system is largely based on how many nuggets I get when I order a ten piece.

texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys

Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.

HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”

Me: They were donut holes

HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”

Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?

HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing

*at dinner table*

Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’

Her:

Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’

Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.