Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*horror movie

“The calls are coming from inside the house!”

“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”

Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet

Cinderella: I have size 5 feet

Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night

Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin

My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.

me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes

optometrist: again, please hold still

5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?

I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.

There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.

it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos

[boiling pot]

Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off

I went for a job interview.

The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”

“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied

Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.

I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing

me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software

me in 2023: any day now probably

once I posted “it’s funny how ‘the Hague’ is like the only city that randomly decided to give itself a definite article” and everyone was like “don’t you live in Los Angeles”

Cartman: Respect my
a a

Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”

Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.

New Guy: No problem. And do we-?

Me: Thats it! You’re fired!

All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.

Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.

I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”

Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.

coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!

me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!

Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.

If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”

When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.

me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT

The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.

Her: Have you seen the salsa?

Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom

Her:

“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.

Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.