[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
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Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
relationship goals
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
Knock Knock
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.