[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
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when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
I’m forming a Wham! cover band with 3 other bald guys called Hairless Whisper.
I only buy cookware with handles that somehow get hotter than the pan itself. This is the way.