sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
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It’s on my to-do list.
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
It’s actually kind of funny that people pay any attention to beauty/skin/diet/fitness influencers who are in their 20’s. Like “what’s your secret??” Being 22. That’s their secret. If the kale salad exfoliation regimen still works after menopause THEN they might be on to something
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
operators are standing by to ignore your call
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.