Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
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While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
“Sheer Arrogance”
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
i drive home so quick after work like i’m late for the house
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer