sitting next to you on an empty train and clicking my stopwatch every time you turn a page in your book
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Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
There’s an envelope on my doormat with “DO NOT BEND” on it. What am I supposed to do, then – pick it up with my foot?
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.