sitting next to you on an empty train and clicking my stopwatch every time you turn a page in your book
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I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
i don’t want fries. i want YOUR fries.
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
“you should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day” ok and how much if you’re not trying to go to the olympics ?
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
I need a stunt double for when I’m navigating my way to the bathroom at 2 am.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
batter: *hits homer*
Simpson: ow
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.