sitting next to you on an empty train and clicking my stopwatch every time you turn a page in your book
You Might Also Like
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
i will avenge u mr van gogh
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
Apparently telling your friends not to stress about their wedding because “it’s your first marriage” is not the right thing to say
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.