sitting next to you on an empty train and clicking my stopwatch every time you turn a page in your book
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You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
Me: [watching football]
Wife: [silently reading a book for three quarters of the game]
Announcer: That was a huge sack!
Wife: BAHAHAHA HUGE SACK
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
I have always been pro people but my god you f***ers have ground me down.
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.