Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her

“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*

Google assistant rules

Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS

For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.

[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]

Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey

Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds

First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.

Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!

Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice

Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST

My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.

So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!

I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.

My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him

me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?

Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!

I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.

October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.

[Violently kicking down the door of an elderly care nursing facility]

I NEED VOLUNTEERS TO RUN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman

Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.

Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me

God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT

[2025]

Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.

Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you

All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…

God: *closes a door*

Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED

OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE