sitting next to you on an empty train and clicking my stopwatch every time you turn a page in your book
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Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
Shortcut
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
i just found this in my phone
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.