Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Spirits, are you there?”

[ouija board] ＩＦ  ＹＯＵ  ＬＩＫＥ  ＩＴ  ＴＨＥＮ  ＹＯＵ  ＳＨＯＵＬＤＡ  ＰＵＴ  Ａ  ＲＩＮＧ  ＯＮ  ＩＴ

“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”

Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.

My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.

I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂

I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 goose

Looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread

[swimming pool]

me: do you have family changing facilities?

clerk: yes we do

me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife

Overheard at the hardware store today …

Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.

Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?

Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!

Me: It was getting freezer-burned.

W: I just bought it today!

Me: Crazy freezer.

A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.

Blacksmith *shoes a horse*

Swordsmith *forges a blade*

Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*

Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds

me: *how* many seconds???

Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.

i drive home so quick after work like i’m late for the house

I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.

“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”

Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie

If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.

How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?

Someone: your tweet is unnecessary

Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT

Bad news – science doesn’t want your body. Looks like your only choice is to put it up on Facebook marketplace

Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?

Me:…I rap a lot less.

love tennis but never really been clear why they need a lifeguard

I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.

(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight

Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?

Me: Yes, I was.

Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.

Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.

BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it

*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good

When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in

-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)