Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t fun

How’s your summer going?

Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.

Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers

WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.

[Traffic stop]

Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!

[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.

You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.

when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off

What does a robot do during a one night stand?

He nuts and bolts

FRED: right

Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work

spiders in your apartment after the landlord paints over them

Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.

[Text]

18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!

Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?

Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.

me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]

me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]

from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically

What do you call clean German cabbage?

Shower-kraut.

#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.

Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *

It’s still love though.

the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .

[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*

“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”

*Hipsters clear*

[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*

Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”

I hate it when you ask what you thought was a simple question in a meeting at work, and it turns into another meeting.

COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao

I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.

Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.

Wife: What are you doing?

Me: Reciting pottery.

It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.

My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.

She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.