Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot

My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon

me: are you a cop you talk the talk.

ex-cop: not anymore

me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.

ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.

My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.

Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.

Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.

cat 911: what ur emergency

my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door

cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs

Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person

[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]

“Did you say single?”

MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point

If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills

We watched Flight of the Navigator and my son asked if I had seen it before. I told him I saw it in the theater when it came out. “SERIOUSLY?!?” he asked. I said “yeah…why are you shocked?” and he goes, “Oh, sorry, I just never know what kind of technology y’all had back then.”

My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week

My reply: I don’t know,am I?

*eating catfish*

This looks nothing like it did on the menu

an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.

Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”

Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.

CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!

ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.

EXCALIBUR: Ok

Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency

Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US

Dinosaur 911: is it the sun

Dinosaur: haha probably. bye

Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.

– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.

4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door

me: oh wow that’s silly

4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.

me: wait, what?

My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon

Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.

Always the bridesmaid, never the father of the bride.

why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2

Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?

Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?

*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.

My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.

GRAVES.

The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.

I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”

GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned

HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no

My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.

My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.