Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”

I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.

bro: she stressing u out g??

me:

Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?

Me: Why? What’ve you got?

My circle of trust is a meatball

Mama Bear: The porridge is ready

Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours

Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat

I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.

The odds were against me.

Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.

Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?

I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.

I pirated a movie yesterday…

I gave it 3.14 stars.

Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats

Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.

Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!

Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.

Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.

So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”

*slaps knee*

[God creating vultures]

How about a goth flamingo?

Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.

This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.

me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*

therapist: ok what was that all about

If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.

I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies

No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.

All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.

Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.

Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.

I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask

rapatouille

Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?