Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet

Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?

Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.

Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”

30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.

A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.

My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills

My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.

Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.

I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.

me: *sleeping*

pimple: is it my night to emerge?

anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?

People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.

How do dragons blow out candles?

If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.

If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.

Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?

future wife: how many alarms did you set

me: don’t worry about it

wife: how many

me: twenty seven

wife: set three more

Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending

I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.

She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.

-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.

I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.

If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder

[First day as a doctor]

Patient: I got stabbed!!!

Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?

It’s his time

I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.

He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”

I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”

Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is

I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason

So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.