Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?

me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world

my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*

me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt

bf: ur what

me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok

bf: the what

me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—

bf: wh—

me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy

Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.

Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.

Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.

Cat is stressing him out.

What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.

Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.

Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.

My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.

I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.

Dear Ad Agencies,

Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.

On behalf of dog owners everywhere,

Thanks!

*job interview*

“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”

I quit

It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well

I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.

Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?

cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck

Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.

me: [playing musical chairs]

wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?

Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion

[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?

[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]

To keep the peace

Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.

[Friday 5pm]

Me: *shutting down computer*

Computer: have a good weekend 🙂

[Monday 8am]

Me: omg you’re still on

Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this

*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*

Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.

Bedtime:

Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back

{first date}

HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?

Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk

I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.

The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.