[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
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Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Vacation is a time when every part of you can relax except your bowels.
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better