If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
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FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
This forever.
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.