Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday

Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?

Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.

me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003

Chemical wingman

Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.

Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life

To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now

My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”

I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug

Met a hot girl in the bar.

She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.

I called my wife to see if she wanted me to pick up Fish & Chips on my way home from work, and she hung up on me. I think she’s still mad that she let me name the twins.

I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.

Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.

my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices

when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?

It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney

America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.

Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.

Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.

It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me

I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.

Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?

Requirements:

– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)

Friendly reminder people are still stupid no matter who they vote for

After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.

Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you!

[Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked

This meal prepping shit easy

This kitten is just what my house needed.

Another female that doesn’t listen to me.

Kid at the reference desk said “How should I decide what job I want to do when I grow up?”
I said “Find out if it makes you work on Saturdays and if it does, don’t do that.”
“Is that important?”
“Right this second it’s literally the most important thing.”
#saturdaylibrarian

“Do you moan when you eat?”

Me, making small talk in an elevator

They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.

[Entering a dark forest]

“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”

“Keening.”

“What?”

“Banshees keen.”

“You go first.”

“Dammit.”