Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item

My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…

So I took the car key off of his keychain…

He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now

Man: Is there a doctor in the house?

Dr: I have a PHD in literature

Man: This man is having a heart attack!

Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…

i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass

Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0

Products that are really small are like free samples, right?

Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.

Can’t get worse than that 😭 😭

daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices

*being chased by serial killer

Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit

[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm

*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night

[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plot

Son: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!

Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol

Son: So is it this switch here or

My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.

Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!

“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.

… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”

What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?

Russian roulette.

Me: Netflix and chill?

Her: sure

Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password

Her:

Me: and don’t forget the condoms!

The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.

most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers

I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.

The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.

My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.

You ever look at yourself on the self-checkout camera and think, “wow, I better write my will.”

Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.

I tried to stifle my laughter as best I could, but in my defense, you did have an interpretive dance at your wedding.

a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)

Today will be the day I finally tell my friend that “touche” isn’t pronounced like “douche.”

My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.

Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.